We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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