I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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