All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
