I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
