my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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