I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
