What did we do last night that was yellow?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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