dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
