i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
be right there i have to get my cape
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
