My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
