Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Semen is not good for contacts.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
