I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
