I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
