also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What drink are we having for lunch?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
