If that was your dad, he is hot
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
