Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm too high and old for this...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
