I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
