Swine flu is the new snow day.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Let's paint friendship bongs
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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