I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
