You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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