im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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