come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
