just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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