Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
