It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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