I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
