I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
