It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
