plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
