my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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