I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
where are my eyebrows?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
