I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
