the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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