Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
