She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
