Yo dont text me then not text me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
