Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
