3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
