can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
