I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
