I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
