this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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