At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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