I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
