The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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