I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
