Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
