Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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