How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I understand Curling. That high.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
