Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you never un-have a 4some
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
