my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We had sex on a dog bed..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
